Pre-Work Blues

I don't know about you, dear Reader, but I absolutely hate the time between waking up and work. For that matter I don't really like the work part either. Maybe that is why the lead in time is so dreadful? There is the routine, mundane things that must take place each day and there are the unexpected delays – read procrastination – that force me into a hurry up and rush mode. Let's start from the beginning shall we?

So the alarm, or evil cat, wakes me up. I hate alarm clocks almost more than I hate evil hell spawned kittens! I don't want to leave the bed; the house is always so damn cold (well compared to the warmth and safety of bed). I get up; freezing floor on bare feet is always a favorite eye opener. I find a few itches to scratch – maybe release a little gas built up over night. Ok so it is more like a safety valve releasing excessive pressure from a boiler. Find another itch to scratch; stretch, which leads to more release of gas, of course. Scratch, adjust mis-located parts – remember it is cold so sometimes these parts are harder to relocate. My bedroom is located on the bottom floor so I climb the 300 stairs to find the bathroom occupied – note to self: we need to get that second bathroom added soon. First Born loves mornings and seems to be able to time his getting up just right to delay my desperate need for use of the facilities. After finally emptying my bladder the journey to coffee begins.

Now we have one of those coffee pots that you could set the timer on and coffee would be ready when you got up. We discovered, however, that one must first put the water and grinds into the blasted machine or it will make no coffee. That can be frustrating if you are a person that functions on caffeine and finds it difficult to operate prior to that first coffee of Joe. Ok so maybe I'll have a smoke and wait on the coffee – but shit the garage is colder than the house! Well I guess I could take a shower first, get dressed and then have a cup of coffee. Well after I check Facebook to see if anyone posted anything between midnight and 5am (ok so today is Sunday and I don't start work until noon and didn't get up until 9:30) that I could not survive if I missed it.

Well now that I'm on the computer I should check email too. While I'm doing that I need to see if anyone actual read my blog yet. Man I need some coffee – o yeah I need to make coffee. See I got distracted thinking about the exciting things that my Facebook family might have done instead in sleep that I forgot to make the coffee! So climb the 3000 steps again to the make coffee – the office is also in the basement. Ok, now I will have a smoke while I wait – nope garage is still too damn cold without clothes and I can't put on clothes until I shower. I don't want to shower before coffee and a smoke – that would mess up my routine wouldn't it? I mean I can't change the routine NOW everything has its place and time to occur! Right? Yes I am always right in my world and this, dear Reader, is a small piece of Mike's World here – get over it already.

So coffee is brewing. Maybe I'm hungry – fat guys are always hungry (just a factoid I know you needed to know). Well what can I make that takes little to no time and goes with coffee? Ahhhh! Left over pizza from Friday night should work just fine! So pop the pizza in the nuke machine (I have long since grown out of cold pizza for breakfast – at least I now put it in the fridge there was once upon a time when Friday's pizza would still be on the table waiting for consumption on Sunday) COFFEE IS DONE!!!!!! Ok now I need some clothes to go out for a smoke with my coffee. By the way, just in case you were wondering, I do not sleep naked (sorry to ruin any fantasies here ladies); I sleep in my boxers. So find my sweat pants (one would think that if this a normal morning routine my sweats would be easily located – if you think that then you don't me very well at all) – how did they end up in the shoe closet? OOOOh yeah I was rushing Friday morning to work and took them off with my house shoes on my way to the shower. They got kicked further back when I realized that I needed my house shoes to walk to the shower and had to throw the pants away from the shoes.

Shit I have to be at work in 30 minutes, I still need to shower! Ok I will take a quick shower – after I smoke and drink coffee. So enjoy my coffee and smoke. It should not take 20 minute to smoke one cigarette! Throw my shoes (and pants in the shoes closet – WAIT need the shoes! Take a rushed shower (did I get behind my ears and under my dangles?) O well no time for details! Where are my clothes for work!? Aww the Ole Lady has taken care of me yet again – they are neatly folded on the top of my dresser.

Now for the 15 minute drive into town for work – I HAVE 5 MINUTES!!! So jump in the car and drive as fast traffic allows – which is generally below the speed limit – it is Sunday after all. My boss wonders why I'm late! Has he not seen how slow these people around here on Sundays?