Welcome back faithful readers. Ok. Ok. Ok already I know I am the one that left not you guys. I have been busy. No not really just too lazy to write. I have had a few ideas and even started typing a couple of times. Then I remember a slight promise not to let this blog get too political so I stopped typing. Well I started typing again this morning – for your sake and my safety I hope I keep typing until a decent (and adequately lengthy) blog emerges from this keyboard and transforms into a world shattering, life changing message. Ok I will be satisfied with an amusing tale that will keep your attention at least until the last word.
So I have recently celebrated (that term is used quite loosely and I am taking a bit of artistic license by using it) my 35th birthday. That is correct I have survived for 35 trips around the sun. That equals 420 months (in days gone way past I would read something into that number – but those days are so long gone I’m not even sure the significance of that number anymore). Looking at it another way that is 12,600 days (rounding each month to 30 days) that ways makes me feel quite old indeed (think about how old my mom must feel reading this). I have had a total of 302,400 hours of life – give or take a few. Now there is a number to reflect on.
What have I done with those 300k hours? I grew from a fat baby to a fat man! Ha, ha hardy har har ha! I crack me up! Seriously though what have I done with those hours. I have chipped in halfsies on three children – three beautiful, wonderful, intelligent, annoying children I must add (The Ole Lady reads these so I am obligated to say nice stuff about the miniature people who reside in my house). I have helped to build a marriage based on sex and greed – ok we actually have very little of either between the two of us. 13 long tedious years of slavery and abuse by the same woman – shit she just read that part. Actually it is hard to believe it has been so long, amazing to reflect and realize that in November of 2011 we will have been married 14 years.
I did spend a few years (other than honorably) serving my country in the US Navy. That was some fun and terrible times all wrapped up in a short span of life. I learned (and partied) enough to serve a lifetime. Good thing I continued to learn some things along the road from there to here.
Professionally I have spent almost two decades learning and teaching – creating and losing – a well demanded trade that puts food on the table that is under the roof it also provides (thanks Ron for starting me in this line of work). It allows me to provide for the needs of my children (and a few too many of their numerous wants as well).
So, while there are a few things I have not (yet) done in my life, I think that my first 35 years on this rock have been spent well. I live by a “no regret” policy and believe that I am where I am supposed to be but that I have full control over the choices that I make (and full ownership of the choices I have made). This philosophy will not allow me to think in terms of “should have done that differently” or “I wish I would have” because that undermines the things currently in my life that I would never trade.
In 35 years I have built a loving, caring family. I have built friendships that withstand what should have been impossible defeats. Those last two have not been done by myself and I cannot credit except in the decision to include the people in my life that have made these relationships possible.
I have loved and been loved and I have lost greatly – Bryan you are missed and I missed you being here to tell me how freaking old I am now. You better have a tight rack waiting for me – you know I hate it when you left the balls sloppy (and it will be call your ball and shot fucker none that slop shot shit).
Well this has turned out to be more sappy than I set out to let it be so I think I will end it before I get all mushy and shit

54,000 is not enough

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/obama_asia

This story has prompted me to write one of my rare political postings. I won’t post too many of these, I promise. I just can’t ignore this one.
Here we are with an unemployment rate hanging around 10%. Now I’m no math genius but if there are 300,000,000 in the USA and 10% of those are unemployed that is like 30,000,000 people are out of work. Now I don’t think that counts the homeless and certain other classifications of people. But let’s assume it did just for ease here. If we can KEEP 54,000 jobs by continuing to give breaks to companies who outsource many 10’s of thousands of jobs how the fuck can Mr. Obama say that India is a creator of US jobs?
Ok so we can keep 54,000 jobs – jobs that are already in use - these are not counted towards the 10% unemployed because presumably those people who have one of those 54,000 jobs are working and not collecting unemployment benefits right? So how does keeping them create any fucking thing?
Ok Mr. President let’s try this one. I have three apples in my left hand. I move three apples to my right hand. How many apples do I have now? Ok try multiple choice then:
A. 3 apples
B. 6 apples
C. Why do you have three apples when these men are hungry? But they were offered a job to earn their own apples – two apples a day. Yeah but why should they take less when you could just give them your three apples? But you have 15 apples you give them yours. No those are my apples – the girls are in private school where they need lots of extra apples.
This a trick question.
So Mr. President your answer for creating jobs in the US is by offering our hand to India and trying to get more big business to move in there? How about you quit spending the $200,000,000 per day for your visit and do some damn work here. How about you offer tax credits to companies who hire people. How about you give tax breaks to those bring out-sourced operation back into the US. Here is a hint penalizing those who go out of country only hurts the consumer.
I don’t know much but if we can keep 54,000 jobs that is awesome – don’t need to be losing any more jobs right now. But how many jobs would be here if these companies were not outsourcing? How many Indians are doing the jobs that could be done by US residents who are now unemployed?

Teh new job

Hello Dear Readers!
So it has been a while since I wrote to you so I, first, want to apologize for that. Ha ha right? Like you don’t have anything better to do than just sit there waiting for Kansasmike to post another blog offering, right? Well my first week back out at the plant went good so far. Sitting in a training room learning about policy I already knew quite well. I could have given the class in like 30 minutes or less – hell let’s see if I can do it in a paragraph.
Don’t take shit on the production floors unless it either belongs there or you are authorized to do so. When you take a shit flush your toilet paper (you don’t want to know why that has to be addressed). Smoking, eating, and cell phones are for authorized breaks – unless you can sneak really good. If you get caught sneakin’ you gonna get swatted – maybe even fired. If you are climbing up of high shit wear one those fall arrest thingies. If it is loud you need plugs for your ears, if shit can fall on your head try wearin’ one of them hard hats. No hitting, stealing, biting, punching, fighting, being and asshole, being a shithead or even just a plain ole jerk. If you do this shit you can get into trouble – and even fired. No gambling. Come to work on time every scheduled day and your paycheck will be bigger than if you miss days – no shit they teach these things to new hires. 180 degree water in the 180 sterilizers is hot but they are not cook pots – don’t put your hand or beef in them. If you work in the clean area don’t go to the dirty ones and then try coming back into the clean ones. If you work in the dirty areas stay the hell out of the clean ones (unless you first clean your ass up). Clock in before your start time – not before. You are here to work and the company only owes you the paycheck you earned – get over it and do the job your being paid to do.
How was that? I bet you got the idea though huh? Basically all that needs said is come to work, do what your told (unless it is unsafe) and everything will be great. Maybe throw in some basic safety stuff – like don’t be touching electrical wires and don’t steal the fat man’s sandwich.
You be able to tell by now that I don’t have a real subject to write about. I was bored so I decided to write something. I should be writing my final for my last class for my associate degree program – but procrastination is my success plan! I was thinking about bathtubs for a little while – well I was thinking of bathtubs with someone in it but whatever – and decided that maybe I should not be thinking about that; maybe writing would get my mind back into reality. Ok you busted me – I don’t exist in reality (unless I absolutely have to). Anyway back to my mind, my world. Writing does seem to bring me into focus.
So my big news – I quit smoking (yes again) I have been cigarette free for three days. Of course I am not totally nicotine free – I have started using the patch. But I think the patch is better than smoking.
Yeah, OK. I got nothing – I’m outie!

Halloween and/or Samhain

Hello dear Readers! I hope this day finds you well. So since last we interacted I have quit my job as a Customer Interfaceing Unit Operator and have a four day weekend before starting back at Tyson Fresh Meats, Inc on the 2nd of November. Last night I bought a mini van – it is a 1998 Windstar and while it has some problems $800 was a good price. It runs strong just need to some minor repiars – there just seems to be a lot of minor stuff. That is not the subject I wanted to write about. I wanted to write about Halloween – one of my most favorite times of year.
Now I should start by saying that demons, ghosts, and the supernatural world in general freak me the fuck out. I refuse to watch movies like Paranormal Activity or The Haunting of Anything – ghosts, spirits, restless souls whatever you wish to call them scare the shyte right out of me. Seriuosly, this big, strong, manly, grown man has to turn on all the lights in the house just to walk down the hall to pee after watching those types of movies. You see I am afraid of the dark. Ok break that down and it is a fear of the unknown actually but usually I can overcome the fear of the unknown in the light – it is just when it is dark that I get really wierded out. Imgine that a guy who prefers to sleep days and is most active at night is scared of the dark. Ok stop the damn laughing.
So you might wonder how this could be my favorite time of the year? The weather is perfect – not hot and not cold – nature is beautiful. I love the oranges, reds, yellows, and browns of fall. Halloween was the center point in school for the first half of the year. I have always loved pretending to be someone other than myself and Halloween allowed me to do just that in front of everyone without worry of being crititized. As a teen we were allowed to just be crazy that night. As my cousin said in her discussion of Halloween we were in more lienit times – TPing a house might earn some clean up time if caught but we would not have been arrested.
Halloween has always been a time of reflection. During this time of year I have always looked back at the previous year and looked at the one to come. I look at my goals. Have I accomplished everything I set out to accomplish by this time? Hardly ever is that answered positively; procrastinators rarely accomplish many goals. I set new goals and renew my commitment to old goals.
The Halloween time frame brings a feeling of power. I feel empowered – strengthened. Historically this a rough time of year for me. My Father died on November 1st 1978 – the day after my Little Sister was born (That’s right Little Sister was born on Halloween). Throughout my school years I would become depressed – most likely self induced by thoughts of what I have missed without having dad around to teach how to be a man – I think I managed to learn just fine (thanks Ron). We (the Ole Lady and myself) seem to always find ourselves in finacial difficulty during this time of year – this year the car crapping out is not helping that tradition end.
We always manage things it just seems to harder. I think this year I figured out why that is. Halloween is derived from the ancient Celtic ritual of Samuin or Samhain (pronouced sow-an). This was the time of the ending of lighter times – both literally and figuratively - and the beginning of the darker times. This was the time to take stock of the stores made for winter, slaughter livestock in preparation for the hard winter months. Now while im no Doodad (if you read R.A. Salvatore you will get that referrence – if not read the Cleric Quintet series of books) I think we have missed some steps – remember “we” means the Ole Lady and I here. October is the time we are forced to realize the stores we have stocked up – or not stocked up. We do this without realizing and celebrating. This time of year has always been like a News Years to me – maybe I am of Celtic desent (I can’t drink like an Irishman though).
This is the time that I realize how great my life is. Ok so that was harder to do in highschool than as a parent but it has been this time of year many great things happen. Halloween is just a day to watch the kids have fun, to freeze my ass off taking them from house to house begging for candy, to realize how great it is to be the daddy, and to be scared by the all the little kiddos dressed up as ghosts and goblins – or are they really kids?

Wedding, Wine, and a new car

My dear Readers,
It has been a long time since last we… we…we… I guess interacted is a good word for what we do here? I mean not much interaction coming from your part (ahem comments tell me you read these postings). Anyway….
So here I sit talking to the monitor again – yes I must speak the words in order for my fingers to hear what I what to type. This is kind of funny actually; me writing this, talking my fingers. When the fingers don’t type what I say we fight. Well my mouth attempts to bite the fingers – but they are quick bastards. Ok that sounds a bit too schizophrenical doesn’t it? Well I guess not any more than asking questions I know will not get answered.
This past weekend we welcomed Mr. T into our family. No not that Mr. T, silly. Baby Sister married Mr. T on Saturday. Mr. T is a great guy and Baby Sister is lucky he is willing to put up with her. Mr. T’s mommy said that she was glad Mr. T had found someone intelligent enough to talk too. This is true. These two are some of the most intelligent I have met in a while. Of course I’m a refrigeration mechanic posing as a Customer Interfacing Unit Operator what do I know about intelligence?
My weekend began on Friday – I guess most usually do right? We packed up the car, locked the kids into place and started down the road towards the wedding festivities. The Ole Lady had worked Thursday night so our plan was to get up to Tiny Town asap so she could sleep. It is supposed to be less than 2 hours drive. Well we I drove us about 100 miles out of the way, the car was overheating and the kids were restless. So we stopped to put more water in the car – I think I will write a whole blog on just the adventure of getting there. Long story short – our car blew the motor about 45 minutes away from our destination. Little Sister (Baby Sister’s elder but still my junior female sibling) drove the Parental Units’ (the Parental Unit is made up of Maternal Unit and Fraternal Unit of course) vehicle (since it was the largest of everyone’s vehicle whom were already at Tiny Town waiting on us.
We missed the rehearsal (Baby Sister not pleased at this). Princess was to be the flower girl and I was to be the Usher – no not just for rehearsal but in the real deal as well. We did make the rehearsal dinner (which was great stuff and food being my main focus in life – after the wife and kids; well usually food is second to them anyway). After the dinner we were invited for drinks at the local bar (only one in town) which is where my downward spiral really began. I had four (4) drinks at the bar – my normal limit is four (4) a month not a night. The Ole Lady had stayed at the hotel to get some much needed and well earned sleep – she had been up for almost 24 hours by this time.
It was a beautiful wedding and great reception. They had a ceremony called a wine box promise ceremony or something along that line. What this is is they both write love letters to each other before the wedding telling why they love the other. They then lock these letters in a strong wooden box with two glasses and a bottle of wine. In the event that Mr. T wizens up – errr I mean they have marital problems – they both promise to get drunk and read the letters before making a rash decision. Neat ceremony. If, after 25 years, they have not opened the bottle they would then be able to choose to open the box (if they can still find the key) and drink the wine and read their letters to each other. I like the sentiment but how does getting drunk really promote intelligent conversation and isn’t getting drunk while fighting kind of like throwing gasoline on fire?
At the reception – more great food stuffs – beer, white and red wine, and these caramel appletinis were offered at no additional charge to us party goes. I don’t drink beer, the appletinis were good but way too sweet. The white wine was ok but the red was simply amazing. I drank about four (4) bottles. Yes I said bottles. The normal sized run of the mill wine bottle sized bottles. I will be finding this wine but I plan on consuming it more moderately when I do. It kind of tasted like strawberry soda – my new love. They – whoever they are – say that a glass of wine a day is good for you so a bottle a night has to be great for you right?
So I’m still recovering from way too much wine on Saturday. I am in last-week-on-the-job mind set. Nov 2 I am back being a refrigeration mechanic. Well I have to go through all the plant orientation and maintenance training – 3 weeks of classroom time paid at the rate earned from 15 years of experience (9 of those in the same plant I will be orientated too – I know funny stuff huh?). The FNG will be one of the most experienced members of the team! Let’s see how long it is that I have to stay on nights this time around. Last go around it took me four years to go from nights to days.
I’m going to bed. Until next time this is how Mike tells it.

Random observations of a Customer Interfacing Station Operator

Well hi there dear Readers! How are you today? I'm great! Did you find everything you were looking for? Yes, I could help you find that. I know; since we arranged the store everyone is having a difficult time locating their favorite items. I could get you a directory listing. Yes, they are right over here ma'am. No, please leave your watermelon in the cart; I don't need it to up here to add it on to your bill – yes the case of Pepsi, case of water, and industrial sized pack of tampons can also remain your cart – George will come around and scan those items for you. Of course I can break a hundred if you buy a pack of gum. Oh did the sign say these prime ribs were supposed to ring up for $.50 per pound? Well then I have to give them you at that price – I'll be right back just have to check on that sign, ok? (trust but verify) Sir, let me come around there and scan that case of beer under your dog food – I can see how you forgot it – it is almost completely covered up by the paper towels. Cigarettes? Yes I will sell you cigarettes – as soon as you are big enough to reach the counter to show me your ID. No, we cannot make an exception to the county law that prohibits the sale of beer on Sundays even for the neighbor of the Mayor's best friend's pet groomer's husband's cousin, sorry sir.

Most women who buy a single pack of gum will ask for it to be left out so that they can place it safely in their purse – where it can be hidden from their thieving offspring.

Most Hispanics will buy Mission brand tortillas and roma tomatoes – every time they come to the store.

There is a difference in price (and nothing else as far as I can see) between Jonathon and Gala apples. Granny Smith and JonaGold may look alike but they are not even close.

Dillon's sales 14 different kinds of apples – each at a slightly different price – it is my job to know which is which.

We carry almost as many different types of lettuce.

If it says "organic" people will buy it thinking it is good for them. Sorry but "organic" M&M's are not healthier for you to consume boys and girls. How can something packed in a can be organic? Wouldn't ya think that if "fresh cut organic corn" could be stored on a shelf without preservatives we would stop spending the money to refrigerate and watering the stuff over in the produce section?

How about this statement I was giving today – Me: "Oh I really like that brand of sweet tea" Her: "Yeah I'm dieting so I stopped drinking soda" Me: " Did you know one of these (16oz) bottles of tea has 190 calories?" Her: "Yeah but that is WAY (emphasis added by her not me) less than a same amount of soda." Not said: if you consider 10 calories WAY less then yes I guess so. She also bought four bags of kit kats and three bags of snickers – they were for trick or treaters.

Non-smokers do not know the difference between Salem, Marlboro, and Camel. Only one of the Customer Service People smoke – they are the only ones with access to cigarettes.

They sale flavored peanut butter. Isn't peanut butter often used to flavor other things? I mean would you like a peanut butter, raisin cookie or raisin cookie flavored peanut butter?

Did you know that if you buy 16 cups of ice cream you will eat less than if you bought 1 gallon? That may take some of you a while to get.

Grandmas buy more junk for the kids than mom does. Dad buys the most. Grandpas are not allowed to take the grandkids to the store unless accompanied by mom or grandma. Under no circumstances shall dad and grandpa be allowed to be together, with children in tow, unless moms and grandmas out number dads and grandpas 2 to 1. I think this is a law in some states.

Cold, prepared food (from the deli) can be purchased with food stamps. Candy may be purchased with food stamps. $1000.00 worth of lobster and steaks may be purchased with food stamps. Hot food (from the deli) and paper products may not be bought using food stamps. You cannot buy beer using food stamps. You can get cash back from your vision card and then use that to buy beer.

Approximately 60% of people use food stamps to buy groceries. This statement is not meant to be a judgment. I only wish I had data to compare to before our current economic situation. I think it would be an interesting way to see if things are getting better or worse for the "working" class.

One woman bragged to me that she had not bought store bread in over 50 years. That none of her children (all boys) had eaten store bread until they got married. She claimed to never have worked outside the home in over 50 years of marriage and that she still prepared Sunday dinner, after church, from scratch – every Sunday – usually without help from her daughters (remember she told me she had only boys?). Can you imagine the bar she must set for her daughter-in-laws?

Well Readers that is how Mike tells it. Until the next time – have a great day!

You have kids? Really? Why?

My dearest Reader you knew – well if you know me in the real life world you knew – that I would eventually come upon a subject that even I won't joke about (too much anyway). Today at my Customer Interfacing Time Occupying job I came face to face with one of my biggest fears – A lost child. Yes, dear Reader, a beautiful little baby girl had lost her parents in the store. I know this will happen again – and it almost did once again today but I will get to that soon enough. I know that some parents are not as attentive as they should be and I also know that children will follow a shadow just to find out what it is. I know sometimes even attentive parents will have their vigilance tested by a curious child – it has happened to me once. I would like to repeat ONCE – that is all it will ever take for me to be just paranoid enough to be anally attentive of my children's where abouts when out in public.

Allow me to give the background of this story. I was diligently attending to my numerous duties at the dreaded self-checkout area of the store. Let say this – I think self-checkout has a use but I doubt that that the use is good towards customer relations. Anyway I spot a young girl –about 4 or 5 years old - crying as she is walking out of the door. Then some says OMG that girl is lost. So I do what any parent would do – I went to her. She wandered outside – thank whoever you credit as our maker for electronic opening doors! – where I caught up to her. She was terrified and she clung to me as I picked her up. Using my best concerned daddy voice so as not to scare her anymore I ask her if her mommy (who she is desperately crying for) is in the store. She replies she lost mommy and daddy. So I question her about mommy's name. I will leave the name out and you will see why later. I take this terrified little girl to customer service and reassure her that Cindi will find mommy.

Here is where the story gets really ugly. Mommy is not looking for little girl. Mommy did not even know little girl was lost. Finally after three tries to get mommy or daddy to the front of the store older sister (about 9 years old) come up asking if her sister was here. Mommy did not come up, mommy was not panic stricken to realize one of her offspring was not beside her, mommy was concerned that daddy would leave if she was not beside him. Mommy clung to daddy and almost ignored her four children! They came through my self-checkout lanes so I was able to closely observe mommy and daddy. Then baby sister starts to wander off. I stop her and loudly – very loudly so as to get as much attention as possible – say to the couple that ANOTHER of their children almost got away. I did not say what I wanted to say. I remained as professional as my temper allowed me to be. Trust me I was struggling with myself.

I wanted to ask them how they could continue to fuck and make babies they cared little about. Maybe I should note here that all four children were dirty – messy hair, stained clothes, dirty faces not filthy but slightly unkempt. Mommy and Daddy were well dressed and properly clean cut looking. Mommy and daddy looked like they had been to church and the children looked as if they had been playing outside. The little girl who had gotten lost first was trying to cling to mommy – typical of a scare like that – and mommy kept pushing her away telling her that daddy was trying to scan the groceries and that he did not need the interruptions! Can you imagine pushing away your child after just losing her in a store? Can you imagine almost letting another of your children wander off after losing one already? Had I not been there baby sister would have been out the door – remember the door opening easily for anyone who is detected nearby?

I wanted to scream that they did not deserve to be parents! I wanted to smash daddy's head again a curb. I want to point out that not once – not even remotely – did daddy seem at all concerned about any of the children. Instead I smiled and handed him his change. I watched as he turned from me and walked out of the store without even a backward glance to check on whether his family was in tow. I watched as mommy walked quickly to catch up with him. I watched as baby sister headed in the opposite direction. I called out again – LOUDLY – that they had forgotten a child. Mommy turned to older sister and scolded her for not pay attention! The girl could not have been more than 9 and she was the one responsible for gathering the babies? Well the youngest one was in a child carrier car seat so they had to take her; she was in the cart with the precious groceries!

Some people….Reminds of a sarcastic remark I have heard in many forms: You need to take a test to drive, but almost anyone can become a parent.

I will try to stick lighter subjects in the future – but I have a soap box and I intend to use it when I feel it necessary.